Writing after a long hiatus... this is perhaps the last blog of this year. I am with my family after a year almost. It's been 6.5 yrs since I left home. Lazy, lavish days tucked in a cozy corner called home, in one of the most crowded cities on earth. No, I don't miss the city or even my family... I have grown up to develop my own little cocoon. May be it's similar to a survival instinct, one becomes inert to the same things that she misses the most! But come September, and I start my search for cheap air tickets, rob myself of a mini-fortune and stare longingly at the departure date almost every remaining day.
Sometimes I wonder... had I stayed forever in the same cozy corner, would I been the same person I am now? Can I stay in my city for the rest of my life?

I don't know.

There are promises to keep and dreams to realize in this same city. But the self-centered isolated person I am, it's hard!
It's hard to live in peace in a place where you are accountable for every thing you do/don't do, where any unconventional thoughts/ideologies are taken to be aberrations, where people discuss "the-lives-of-others", where you need guts to follow your heart.

It wasn't the same when I was a child. I had this idea of a perfect world. That's why I made those promises and dreamt those dreams.


May be ignorance is bliss.

Some "me" moments after a long long time... a year probably... and writing this blog was the most spontaneous thing! Not really in my most charming disposition, rather in one of those phases when one isn't sure of anything...  It's not exactly true that I had nothing to do or nowhere to go this evening... it all started because my exciting  long weekend plans never materialized, and again I was the one who chose  to stay lonely and hungry tonight, in spite of having two dinner invites (ok, not formal but more of an impromptu kind)... wish I could decode the human psychology!

Lonely moments are a mishmash of so many things...  a tingling desire to seek company, a wee bit of introspection, and the whole lot of freedom to do whatever I wish to... I guess I was missing these moments!
Those surges of restless energy can be soothed by only by lonely moments, atleast for me.

Okay, let's accept it... I am upset tonight, upset because of the usual human reasons... some expectation isn't met... it's hard because I didn't want to expect anything in the first place... nonetheless it's my fault, my fault because I don't often respect my ego!

Now introspection says I should do some quality work and not laze off time... so off to work to make the most of whatever is left of tonight!

thoughts!

I think too much... too, too much ever since I can recall. The thoughts chase me everywhere... at work, in the gym, in the loo and even in my dreams!!! I would rather call those thoughts as "conversations with myself".
It's like a flow... even and unrestrained, expanding wider and sinking deeper. But penning those down is such a pain! I am at a total loss of words when I try to recall and type them out... all sorts of technical jargon come to my mind. Should I get a voice-recorder??? But then, I would have to do the recording in privacy!
Wait!!! what for am I going to preserve my "thoughts"?

I am not even a speck in the whole universe... my thoughts are nothing unique...
Everything, tangible and intangible, is a part of the bigger whole...

The year 2010!!

This year has been an "eye-opener"... literally!!! Not at all productive as far as work is concerned, but it was a "happening" year.

The lessons that I learnt:

(a) nothing is "indispensible" - yes, I have lost interest in "what-mattered-the-most"... rather, in retrospect, I find it meaningless

(b) reduce the time-scale of plans (if I have any) to a daily basis

(c) have absolutely no guilt/remorse in the retrospect - I have this horrible habit of saying "sorry" to people for no fault of my own... my stupid way of making them feel "good"

(d) don't even let people expect anything - I am tired of saying "yes" to everything!!!!


And most importantly, "don't think or judge", just flow with the moment... it's stupid to deny oneself the simple pleasures of life ;)



Counting my days to get back home... err I mean, Raleigh.

A philosopher in a chemistry lab - part 1

My PDMS films were sun-bathing (read, being UV treated) and I was strolling in the lab. A rhythmic quatrain from a recent movie just crossed my mind... "Kache ele tomake chena jayna... japsa hoye jao... Joto dure jao, sposto hoye otho..."

(For my non-bong friends, a translation sans the beauty: You seem obscure when we are together... the farther you go, the more vivid you are... )

Amazingly beautiful words to capture the essence of relationships.

The closer we are to a person, the more we see the imperfections. A little distance, a little space works wonders, we can appreciate the person as an entity, and the relation seems so complete. I feel this now, when I stay away from my family and loved ones. Home seems like paradise, but yes, from this distance. Why are dreams so beautiful? Because they are distant. I always feel that there should be some unfulfilled dreams, that will give some meaning to life.

Isn't it somewhat similar to what we learn about a converging lens in Optics, or the concept of length-scale in modeling or the craters on the moon or may be Hiesenberg's uncertainty principle?

Yes, I have gone crazy... my experiments are not working, I just realized that I have spent almost an year in US with no results...

Or may be because it's just the way I am, I take little things to heart, give importance to people who are not worth it; I try to be logical but I am so damn sensitive!

Inspired by Neelesh

Yes, I started blogging again (at 2:52 am EST, 06/10/10 to be precise) !!
An old friend from the other side of the world, just reminded me of blogs and that I should start writing again. I do have a lot of things dumped in my head/heart and I really need to keep a track of them... getting old you know; my memory is fading.
The best thing that happened to me in the last couple of months was on an Amtrak train trip. I happened to sit beside a friendly American lady. I don't exactly remember how our conversation started... probably she asked me where's the restroom. Anyways, I felt good while introducing myself, a poor "PhD" student of Chemical Engineering (and yes, I felt like a kid once again). Readers of this blog, please don't freak out at the level of details; I am just trying to keep some facts recorded, so that I can recollect the feelings (FYI, my only dream now is to be a fiction-writer someday). Oh yes, I noticed this simple yet elegant wedding ring on her frail finger too.
She introduced me to her companions (as friendly as herself) and spoke her job in the Social Security office. She had never gone to college but she had a certain sophistication and a pleasant air about her. She was on a vacation to somewhere in Florida to meet her friend's octogenarian aunt, who loves visiting casinos. She spoke about her three children and her wish to go to college someday (Obama has made education free for moms, getting back to school). Finally, we found something in common, yes! we both loving cooking in general and desserts in specific. And then, she started talking about her husband, who expired 3 years back.
Honestly, I lack the words to pen down my feelings; readers, spare me for lacking literary skills. Her loneliness, her nostalgic words still resonate in my mind... "I am lucky to have married the right man, so cheerful, so full of life, I never realized that he was unwell for the most of our married life... When he passed away, and I was signing all documents, I felt as if a part of him was taken away from me... I guess that's what happens when you are so much in love, that you become one, and you miss that other half of yours".
The next morning was pretty much silent; I wonder if it's the divinity of night that makes us mortals so romantic. But I couldn't console her, I couldn't say that everything's gonna be okay someday. Ms Norma Price was 74, married since the last 48 years.

fall break

After a lot of 'to go or not to go's, finally, I went to Florida for my fall break.
It's just a fun trip, I told myself; nothing more than that.
Well, I enjoyed it; won't say that it was awesome, but definitely good, given my dull, boring life in the US.

He seemed happy that I was there; but it would not have mattered much if there was anybody other than me!! It's just an old company that matters! In fact, I am not a good company, as I am a pretty boring person.
May be I am being too judgmental.

Anyways, I don't really care now. Just that at times, I have these emotional surges and become sad; hormonal fluctuations, what else!!
I live life by the day... no aims, no hopes, no dreams... except for spending a day in peace with myself and everything around.